How to Have Healthy Emotional Regulation
Lego people heads, in a straight line across, with various facial expressions of worry, concern, anger and frustration.
What is Emotional Dysregulation?
“My feelings are uncontrollable.”
“I’m on an emotional rollercoaster.”
“I never know how I am going to react to bad news.”
“I can’t control what I say or do when I feel (insert emotion here).”
These are a few most common things I hear from clients who are having difficulty regulating their emotions.
A more official definition of emotional dysregulation is the difficulty in managing and allowing intense emotions. This typically happens when folks have intense negative emotions like sadness or anger. When this kind of dysregulation happens, it leads to responses that are often way out of proportion to the situation. It can cause significant distress in your daily life, and strain relationships.
Emotional regulation, on the other hand, is when one experiences their emotions without ignoring or minimizing them, but acknowledges their power and learns how to support its needs. I know that’s a lot, stay with me!
Emotional regulation includes being able to stay calm under stress, bounce back from adversity, and adapt to changing circumstances.
As we’ll see, instead of being controlled by your emotions, it’s possible to build respectful self-awareness of your emotions, and to express them safely with both self respect and respect for others.
Why is Emotional Regulation Important in Daily Life?
Effective emotional regulation is crucial because it impacts every aspect of our lives. It allows us to:
Maintain healthy relationships by communicating our feelings
Perform at work or school by managing stress and staying focused
Experience overall well-being by reducing the risk of mental health issues like depression and anxiety.
Biological and Psychological Mechanisms Behind Emotional Regulation
Biological Factors
The brain plays a significant role in regulating emotions. Areas such as the prefrontal cortex help in decision-making and impulse control, while the amygdala processes emotional responses. Most people know the amygdala, about an almond sized area at the base of your brain, as the “fight, flight or freeze” response area of the brain.
Neurotransmitters like serotonin and dopamine influence mood and emotion. Imbalances in these chemicals can contribute to emotional dysregulation.
Psychological Factors
Early childhood experiences and attachment styles significantly impact our ability to regulate emotions. For instance, a nurturing, consistent environment with reliable caregivers fosters secure attachment and better emotional control.
Cognitive processes, including how we interpret and think about our experiences, can either enhance or hinder our emotional regulation capabilities.
What Causes Emotional Dysregulation?
Emotional dysregulation can happen to anyone. I’ll focus on the folks that have a recurring challenge with this.
The basic explanation of what causes Emotional Dysregulation is underlying mental health conditions, environmental factors, and learned behaviors.
Let's explore how depression, anxiety, and anger contribute to emotional dysregulation with real-life examples.
Depression
Depression is a mood disorder characterized by persistent feelings of sadness, hopelessness, and a lack of interest or pleasure in activities. It can significantly impair one's ability to regulate emotions.
Depressions Impact: Depression often leads to intense and prolonged negative emotions. Individuals may find it challenging to shift their mood or view situations neutrally or positively. Depression can effectively freeze someone’s emotions into place.
Example: Lauren, a 35-year-old woman, struggles with major depressive disorder. Despite having a supportive family, she often feels overwhelmed by feelings of worthlessness and despair. These emotions cause her to withdraw from social interactions and activities she once enjoyed, further exacerbating her depressive symptoms. When asked to do something fun by a family member or friend, the low and negative emotions suppress her interest and drive to partake. While she understands the logic that the activity is fun, and she may even think she’ll enjoy it, she is unable to manage the intensity of her negative feelings and stays home.
Anxiety
Anxiety disorders involve excessive fear or worry that interferes with daily life. People with anxiety often experience heightened sensitivity to potential threats and have difficulty managing their stress responses.
Anxiety’s Impact: Anxiety can cause heightened emotional responses, making it hard to remain calm in stressful situations. This can lead to avoidance behaviors and an inability to cope with everyday challenges.
Example: Mark, a 28-year-old software engineer, experiences generalized anxiety disorder. He often worries excessively about his job performance and personal relationships. His anxiety is “always on” making his presence very distracted, and a little on edge. This constant state of worry makes it difficult for him to concentrate at work and enjoy time with friends and family. While he cares about work and his relationships, the constant anxiety is worsening his ability to engage in what he actually cares about.
Anger
Anger is a natural emotion, but when it is frequent and/or very intense, it can become problematic. Uncontrolled anger can lead to aggressive behaviors and strained relationships.
Anger’s Impact: Anger can trigger impulsive reactions and reduce one's ability to think clearly. This can result in conflicts and difficulties in resolving issues respectfully and constructively.
Example: Tom, a 40-year-old manager, struggles with anger management. He frequently loses his temper at work over minor issues, causing tension with his colleagues. His inability to regulate his anger affects his professional relationships and creates a hostile work environment. He cares about his job and the work he does, but his overreactions come across as punitive and lacking compassion.
In each of these examples, we can see some similarities:
the continued reinforcement of withdrawal
decreased interactions with peers and friends
difficulty acknowledging there is a problem
avoidance of the feelings due to past negative experiences
Understanding the specific causes of emotional dysregulation in conditions like depression, anxiety, and anger helps in developing targeted strategies for better emotional management.
Impacts of Emotional Dysregulation
Emotional dysregulation can have profound effects on both the individuals experiencing it and those around them. Understanding these impacts is crucial for safe recovery and .
On the Individual
Mental Health Implications: Emotional dysregulation is often associated with various mental health conditions, including borderline personality disorder (BPD), bipolar disorder, ADHD, and PTSD. Folks may experience chronic feelings of sadness, anger, or anxiety, which can lead to further psychological distress.
Impact on Daily Functioning: Difficulty in regulating emotions can interfere with daily activities, reducing productivity and overall quality of life. This can manifest in various ways, such as procrastination, difficulty concentrating, or avoidance of social interactions.
Physical Health Effects: Chronic emotional dysregulation can also take a toll on physical health, leading to conditions like hypertension, chronic fatigue, and gastrointestinal issues. The constant state of emotional turmoil can weaken the immune system and increase vulnerability to illnesses.
On Relationships
Family Dynamics: Emotional dysregulation can strain family relationships, leading to conflicts, misunderstandings, and emotional distance. Family members may feel overwhelmed, helpless, or frustrated when trying to support their loved one.
Friendships: Maintaining friendships can be challenging for individuals with emotional dysregulation. Their intense emotions and reactions may push friends away, leading to isolation and loneliness.
Example: Laura, a college student with anxiety and depression, frequently cancels plans with friends due to her overwhelming emotions. Her friends, feeling hurt and confused, start distancing themselves, leaving Laura feeling more isolated.
Workplace Relationships: Emotional dysregulation can negatively affect professional relationships, leading to conflicts with colleagues and supervisors. This can create a toxic work environment and hinder career progression.
Example: Mike, a project manager, struggles to control his temper during stressful situations at work. His frequent outbursts and inability to handle criticism create tension among his team members, affecting overall productivity and morale.
Understanding the wide-ranging impacts of emotional dysregulation underscores the importance of seeking effective treatment and support to improve both personal well-being and relationships.
Therapy and Treatments for Emotional Dysregulation
Effective management of emotional dysregulation often involves a combination of therapeutic approaches. Here, we explore some of the most effective therapies, with a focus on Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy.
Therapeutic Approaches
Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy
IFS is a therapeutic approach that views the mind as composed of multiple sub-personalities or "parts," each with its own perspective and emotions.
IFS helps individuals heal by understanding and harmonizing these internal parts, leading to greater self-awareness and emotional balance.
Example: A person struggling with self-criticism and shame learns to identify and heal the parts of themselves that carry these burdens through IFS therapy.
IFS-Informed Treatment
Principles of IFS:
Understanding Parts: IFS helps individuals identify their various parts, such as the "exiled" parts that hold pain and the "manager" parts that try to control the individual's life.
Self-Leadership: The therapy aims to help individuals access their core "Self," a calm, compassionate state that can lead and integrate the various parts.
Managing Emotional Dysregulation with IFS:
Healing Exiled Parts: By understanding and healing the parts that carry trauma and pain, individuals can reduce the intensity of their emotional responses.
Harmonizing Internal System: IFS promotes harmony among the different parts, leading to more balanced emotions and improved decision-making.
Success Stories:
Example 1: Jane, who struggled with intense guilt and shame, used IFS therapy to heal her exiled parts. As a result, she experienced a significant reduction in these negative emotions and improved her self-esteem.
Example 2: Tom, dealing with chronic anger, learned through IFS to understand the protective parts that triggered his anger. This understanding helped him manage his anger more effectively and improved his relationships.
Integrating IFS with other therapeutic approaches can provide a comprehensive treatment plan for emotional dysregulation, helping individuals achieve better emotional control and healthier relationships.
Developing Emotional Regulation Skills
Learning and practicing emotional regulation skills is essential for managing emotional dysregulation. This section outlines various strategies and techniques that can help individuals achieve better emotional control, healthier coping mechanisms, and improved relationships.
Healthy Coping Skills
Mindfulness and Meditation
Mindfulness involves being present in the moment and observing thoughts and feelings without judgment.
Regular mindfulness practice can reduce stress, improve emotional awareness, and enhance overall well-being.
Using IFS Guided Meditations like these ones, can help develop a daily practice that checks in with your internal system. These regular check-ins facilitate greater self compassion and, coupled with regular therapy, can help someone recover from emotional dysregulation.
Journaling and Reflective Practices
Writing down thoughts and emotions can help individuals process their feelings and gain insights into their emotional patterns.
Journaling can provide a safe outlet for expressing emotions and promote self-awareness.
Keeping a daily journal allows a person to track emotional triggers and identify patterns over time.
Physical Activity
Regular physical activity and exercise can help regulate emotions, by reducing anxiety and boosting self-confidence.
These activities can reduce stress hormones, increase endorphins, and improve mood.
Building Emotional Control
Techniques for Recognizing and Managing Triggers
Identifying emotional triggers and developing strategies to manage them can prevent emotional outbursts.
Understanding triggers allows individuals to prepare for and mitigate intense emotional responses.
Example: Someone who recognizes that crowded places trigger anxiety can plan ahead by using relaxation techniques or avoiding peak hours.
Strategies for Responding Rather Than Reacting
Learning to pause and think before reacting can help individuals choose more constructive responses.
Mindfulness and meditation practices have been shown to reduce reaction time, allowing for more deliberate responses.
Example: Using the "stop, think, and respond" technique helps a person manage anger by taking a moment to calm down before addressing the situation.
Improving Relationships
Effective Communication Skills
Description: Clear and empathetic communication can prevent misunderstandings and build stronger connections.
Benefits: Good communication fosters trust and reduces conflicts.
Example: Using "I" statements, such as "I feel upset when..." can help express feelings without blaming others.
Setting Boundaries
Description: Establishing healthy boundaries ensures that personal limits are respected in relationships.
Benefits: Boundaries protect emotional well-being and prevent burnout.
Example: A person who feels overwhelmed by constant social demands can set boundaries by politely declining invitations and prioritizing self-care.
Empathy and Understanding
Description: Practicing empathy involves understanding and validating others' feelings and perspectives.
Benefits: Empathy strengthens relationships by fostering mutual respect and compassion.
Example: Actively listening to a friend's concerns and acknowledging their feelings can enhance emotional connection and support.
Developing these skills requires practice and patience, but the benefits of improved emotional regulation can lead to a more fulfilling and balanced life.
What’s Next
Emotional regulation is a crucial skill that can greatly impact mental health and relationships.
In this article, we explored:
The causes of emotional dysregulation with real-life examples, specifically focusing on depression, anxiety, and anger.
The profound impacts of emotional dysregulation on individuals and their relationships, highlighting the challenges faced in daily functioning and interactions.
Effective therapies and skills for better emotional regulation, emphasizing the benefits of ACT, CBT and IFS-informed treatments.
By understanding the roots and effects of emotional dysregulation, and by adopting therapeutic strategies and coping skills, individuals can achieve greater emotional control, develop healthier relationships, and improve their overall quality of life.
As a natural next step, consider exploring meditation practices in a way that resonates with your internal system. They are a powerful tool in the journey toward emotional balance and well-being.
If you could use some extra support, and these ideas resonate with what you are willing to try, reach out. I am available for therapy consultations and would be happy to talk with you about what therapy might be able to do for you.